How To Improve Communication in Marriage

Communicating with a spouse can be tricky and when you throw in the stresses of everyday life, it can feel downright impossible. Here are a few steps to help navigate the process.

1. Ask. It seems simple enough, but often times couples fall into the trap of believing their partner should just "know" what the other partner is thinking. You and your partner may enjoy many activities together, but psychicness may not be one of them! If a partner seems agitated or upset, ask if anything is troubling them. Sometimes they themselves may not know yet, so ask them to think on it and get back to you (in a reasonable amount of time, of course) with their concern.

2. Listen. Having good listening skills is one of the best steps you can take in becoming a great communicator with your spouse. After you ask a question, really listen to your partner's answer. If you find that difficult (don't we all?), then rephrase it back to them. For example, "So are you saying you believe time travel is possible because of the magnetic field?" You will be shocked by how effective this technique works, and how quickly this listening technique facilitates better communication in your marriage.
3. Participate in activities that aid communication. Let's be honest, communicating can be very difficult. While one spouse is feeling pressured to say the right thing all of the time, or to be charmingly witty at every turn, the other may be rushing to fill the silence with loads of useless tidbits. Blame does not have to be assigned here, as it is no one's fault. Actively try not to let communication in your marriage become a power struggle, for example saying things such as, "You don't talk to me because you don't love me." Instead, take the pressure off by doing an activity that facilitates communication. Watch a movie together that gets you both talking, such as the latest Harry Potter installment or perhaps, a clever whodunit. The movie you choose is not important, but asking questions such as, "Well, what do you really think about this?" or "Do you really think demolishing that building is possible?" And it doesn't just have to be with movies. If something catches your eye when reading a newspaper or magazine, share it with your spouse. Read a bit of the article back to them and ask what they think. This may be especially helpful in getting both of you to realize that discussions can be fun. Or if you've just finished reading an interesting book, ask your partner to read it, and afterwards, both of you can discuss the merits of the book and the author.
4. Participate in activities that don't require communication. Even though this sounds counterintuitive, it works in tandem with the guidelines above. By participating in activities that contain minimal amounts of communication, you actually build on the bond you have as a couple and foster a sense of closeness. This in turn may help both of you open up and tell one another what is on your mind. For example, offer to scrub your partner's back the next time they take a bath or lace those sneakers up and take to the tennis court. A renewed sense of communication and closeness may very well be the reward!
5. Do some research. In the telecommunication age, information is literally at your fingertips. Remember how your partner googled that small red bump on his back? Well, apply that same line of thinking to your marriage. Read up on the subject. There are copious amounts of research written on communicating in marriage. Try Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray or Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix. You don't have to, however, choose these two books as there are many out there to suit your needs. Go ahead and do the research until you find the perfect fit.
6. Marriage communication workshops and retreats. Participating in a marriage workshop or going away on a retreat can be an eye opener of a learning experience for both of you. It will afford you the opportunity to discuss and be counseled by professionals who have dedicated their professions to this very topic. Moreover, speaking with these professional may go a long way in uncovering any underlying issues that may be impeding the communication between you and your spouse. Please see the links for additional information.
7. Share a good laugh. Laughing is a key element to a healthy, successful marriage and it goes a long way in smoothing out the occasional bumps that arise. With the stresses of everyday life, forgetting how to laugh with your partner becomes very common. Put the breaks on the everyday hassles and go to a comedy club and whoop it up or find another way to have fun. Tease one another in a good-natured way. Laugh at your feeble attempts to cook a four-star meal. Laughing together again, you'll find yourself remembering why you love your partner as much as you do, and see once again how truly special they are. Learning how to communicate, when viewed through the proper perspective, is just a speed bump, one both you, and your partner can effectively handle.