Nothing will wither your morning glory faster than seeing your partner cringe upon that first kiss. Remember that just as testosterone levels are high in the morning, so are the bacteria levels in your mouth. And the sulfur compounds released by these bacteria are what make your breath smell.
Here are a few tips to help you avoid morning breath and to increase the odds that your morning wood will fuel her fire:
- Tongue cleaners. Admit it, you've seen these at your local health food store and scoffed. But remember that this is the same tongue you're hoping will receive a warm welcome, so you may want to reassess your initial disdain.
Tongue cleaners work by clearing your tongue of food debris and mucus, which feed the bacteria in your mouth. While we have nothing against electronic vibrating devices (and in certain circumstances, recommend them highly), the electric version is probably overkill when it comes to tongue cleaners. You really just need a rigid instrument (well, a rigid instrument that can reach your mouth) to scrape your tongue clean.
- Diet. You are what you eat. If you eat a lot of garlic and onions, guess what? You'll be exhaling pungent garlic and onion oils out through your mouth the next morning (not exactly an aphrodisiac). Best to avoid the Kung Pao chicken the night before if you want to kung pow her the next morning. And your mother was right when she said, "Eat your vegetables." The high water and fiber content in vegetables clears your body of toxins that could lead to morning breath. (Who knew your mother's advice might help get you laid?)
- Gumming it. If you want your babe to be gumming you, chew some gum yourself first. Chewing gum helps to stimulate saliva production and saliva washes away the smelly bacteria that contribute to morning breath. Make sure that the gum is sugarless; even better, go for Xylitol, a sugar substitute that also helps to squelch the bacteria in your mouth. Cinnamon is also purported to have bacteria-fighting qualities.
- Neti pot use. You thought it couldn't get any worse than tongue cleaners, but it does. I'm going to suggest that you snort some saline into your nose, and I mean it. Regular neti pot usage clears out your sinuses, thus preventing the bacteria buildup that can lead to bad breath. I hope I don't need to say this, but..... Do not use the neti pot in front of your girlfriend. Duh!
- Smoking. I, personally, like the taste of cigarettes on someone else (so sue me), but not everyone does. Same goes for alcohol, marijuana and all that other fun stuff.
So if you've got a Catholic girl in your bed in the morning, you're probably fine (did I just say that?!), but otherwise, consider cutting out the consciousness catalysts. Remember, you'll taste like not only what you eat, but also like what you drink, smoke and otherwise imbibe.
- Food allergies. Bad breath sometimes indicates that you are not digesting well, which (I hate to break this to you) can be a sign of food allergies. Chances are that yes, it will be your all-time favorite food that you end up allergic to, but if morning breath is getting in the way of your morning fun, then best get the possibility of allergies looked at by a professional.
- For the James Bond wannabe (and really, what man isn't?), consider the DoCoMo Fitness Phone that will assess your breath for you. Simply breathe into the phone (before you breathe onto your babe) and find out whether you need a quick fix before the quick fix.
- Statement of the obvious. You are brushing and flossing regularly, right? Not just for special occasions? Proper dental hygiene will improve your chances of alleviating your morning breath (and morning boner).
- Disclaimer. Every once in a while, a bad case of morning breath can indicate another (worse) problem, such as periodontal infection, ketosis or liver or kidney problems. If your breath is really that bad in the morning, and you can't seem to fine-tune its aroma, check with your dentist and/or doctor to see if there is another cause.
On the bright side, if you’ve made it to the morning and she hasn’t kicked you out of bed yet, you must have a little (or big) something going for you. Be glad you’ve made it this far.
Caroline McManus is a nice Catholic girl who practices regular oral hygiene.