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YahooIn this intro I would like to discuss what discipline and punishment really mean, and a few differences between the two. This will help us determine whether 'time-outs' should be recommended or discouraged when raising children.
First, let's talk about the dreaded punishment. Punishment is a form of hurting or belittling a child for their misbehavior. It concerns controlling their behavior by hurting them physically or mentally and trying to control their misbehavior by punishing them. Essentially it's all about controlling the child.
Discipline, on the other hand, is a good word and anyone who cringes at that word needs to take a step back. Discipline is there to help guide children into adulthood -- to help them become better people not only for their own good, but for ours as well. We use discipline because we love our kids and want to change the bad behavior, not the child. Discipline involves being constructive, consistent and firm. It involves being loving and encouraging, and doing something because it's good for them.
It is important to remember that there is no reward from raising kids until they hit their 30's and either sink or swim.
Examine your goals.
- Are you trying to teach children to regulate their emotions and outbursts in a healthy manner? Or are you just trying to get them out of your hair for five minutes?
- Are you trying to encourage them to behave well in future situations? Or are you just trying to beat the bad behavior out of them?
If you answered yes to the first question in each of the two above bullet points, then you are using discipline. Good for you!
If you are just trying to get them out of your hair for five minutes, and you are trying to beat the bad behavior out of them by sending them to time-out, than you are using punishment.
Determine how you would proceed with the time-out.
- Will you use it before the situation gets out of hand? Or will wait until you can't take it any longer and scream at them to get into their room?
- Will you calmly take them by the hand and ask them to come with you for a break? Or will you just shout at them to get to their room?
If you decide to take them out of the situation before it gets out of hand, and offer them to go with you for a well needed 'break', then you are using discipline. Give your self a pat on the back.
If you decide that you will wait until the situation gets out of control and yell at them to get into their room, or you just decide to start shouting for them to get to their room, not only are you yelling a lot for no apparent reason, but you are using time-out as a punishment.
Figure out how you would end the time-out.
- Will you leave them in there for an hour or two until you feel you can 'deal' with them again? Or will you tell them they have to sit calmly and think about the situation for 5 minutes?
- Will you go into their time-out space and tell them how horrible they behaved and how disappointed you are in them? Or will you tell them you are glad that they took a break and calmed down?
If you choose to leave them in their room for several hours, or you went into their time-out space and told them how disappointed you were with them over what they did, you are belittling them, which will get you nowhere, and you are punishing them.
If you choose to give them 5 minutes to take a break while they calmly thought about what happened, and then tell them how glad you are that they took a break and calmed down, you are not only using strong discipline, but also utilizing the awesome power of rewarding positive behavior. This will help your child remember that they will be rewarded for listening to you, instead of punished, punished and punished again.
In conclusion, time-out can be either a form of fair discipline or counter-productive punishment -- it all depends on how you will use it. Time-outs can easily become punishment with one wrong step, or can be a healthy way to help your kids learn to listen and develop good self-regulating habits with their emotions and actions.
Remember that rewarding positive behavior is a much more powerful way of getting your kids to learn to listen to you, and it always wins out over punishing them. Punishment instills fear until the child no longer fears the punishment, and then the punishment loses all its power. Discipline instills love and shows that you are devoted to helping them achieve a healthy emotional and fundamental aspect on life in the future.
It is my opinion that time-out should be considered discipline when used correctly.
