How To Get Kids to Share

Connect with the children. I feel that it is very important for each child to get as much love and connection from the parent as he needs. When they feel connected, they feel more confident and happy, and are willing to play together civilly. Holding the child while he cries is the best way to get a great feeling of connection between the two of you. If he wants something that his brother won't share, he instead gets the best feeling in the world: The sense that someone else cares about his feelings and will be with him no matter what.

Don't take turns. Trying to constantly get these kids to take turns is enough to drive everybody crazy. I don't do time limits anymore. Setting a short-term time limit on how long each kid gets to play with a particular toy is a recipe for disaster. Our most coveted item right now is the Tonka Fire Truck. With set time limits, neither kid gets what he wants. If Gavin has it first, when Garrett finally gets his chance to play with the fire truck, he takes it into another room to protect his turn from his brother. It becomes more important to him to keep the truck in his possession than to actually play with it.

See the big picture. I've stopped trying to make sure each kid gets equal time with toys in the short term, and begun to focus more on the big picture. Garrett gets the fire truck today, and Gavin gets the ambulance. Gavin will be mad about it, and I'll have to hold him to calm him down. Tomorrow, they can switch. If tomorrow comes and Garrett still wants that fire truck, I'll have to hold him through his tantrum. It'll take a few minutes, but I know it will make him feel good to unload all of that emotion, and hopefully he'll feel better about letting Gavin take his turn. If it doesn't solve the conflict, walking away with him to another room and reading a couple favorite books (after the tears subside) has been working, too. He returns to play by Gavin much calmer and less self-absorbed. This way, both kids get a turn with the toy, and even better - a turn at quality time with Dad!

Customize the attention you give. When we're too busy to give them 100% of ourselves, they share less, and are very possessive. I don't think you have to divide your attention exactly 50/50 for each kid--just give them as much as they need. For example, I know that Gavin does require more attention than Garrett. If Garrett is doing something positive that brings him my attention (i.e. building a tower or asking to spell a word), Gavin will mimic him to get that same attention. That tells me Gavin needs to feel more connection, more of the love. Whether that is autism or just his unique personality, I don't know. What I do know is that things run a lot more smoothly around here if these kids feel secure. When things aren't going their way, they need a place to vent their frustrations.

Make them want to share. Go crazy with the praise. If a child volunteers his toy to another as an act of good will, you should go absolutely berserk. Positive reinforcement is everything! Everybody knows that children crave their parents' attention. Try to make the attention you give to them more positive than negative.

Build empathy. When one of these kids is thirsty or needs a snack, it's a great opportunity to keep them caring about each other's needs, too. If Gavin needs a drink, we'll make 2 drinks and have him carry one to Garrett, and vice versa. This way, their interactions aren't always just about themselves, and getting what the other kid has. It has become automatic (through repetition) that when one boy is getting a snack or drink, the other will get one as well, delivered by his brother. I think it cultivates empathy, which is hard for both 2-year-olds and kids with autism. Now Gavin actually waits until Garrett gets his drink before taking the first gulp! I don't know where he came up with that--it's just funny.