One of the greatest joys of owning your own home is the yard that comes with it. It’s your land to enjoy however you see fit--growing a garden, putting in a pool, mowing crop circles to communicate with alien races to let them know that anal probing won’t answer their questions…
But unfortunately for you and your yard, not everyone respects the boundaries of your property. From the rude dog walker to kids using your front lawn as a flag-football end zone, your lawn can take an unfair beating…but with a few bucks, patience, and old-fashioned vengeful spirit, you can stop these intrusions with the help of a remote control sprinkler system. There’s no better – or wetter – way to get your point across.
PART ONE - BUYING AND INSTALLING YOUR REMOTE CONTROL SYSTEM.
You can do it, they can help. Obviously, you need a sprinkler system. If your yard’s already got one, digging up the existing system simply to replace it with a remote control version is probably more trouble than it’s worth, especially for the money. But if you don’t, then head to your local Home Depot, Lowe’s, or other home & garden store, where you’ll find several sprinkler brands that can serve your needs. Most of these systems start at $150 or higher. Don’t pinch your pennies here by getting the cheapest brand you can find – remember that you’re ultimately investing in the health of your yard, so you don’t want to go through the trouble of installing a system that will croak within a couple months of use.
Dig it. You’ve bought your system… now how the heck do you put it in? Unless you ply your trade in such work, you’ll want to hire a landscaper or general contractor for this portion of the job. Prices can vary depending on how skilled or busy your contractor is, but you definitely want someone who knows what he's doing on the job here, and who can do it in a matter of days. And it will be so worth it the first time you press the “on” button on your remote and watch the pre-pubescent Peyton Mannings go running for dry land.
PART TWO – BEWARE, YE WHO ENTER HERE…
What's good for the pooch.... You’ve got your sprinkler system, your remote’s in hand, you’ve found a comfortable spot to watch out your window and wait for violators to come-a-creepin’… gee, don’t you have anything better to do? Seriously, you’re ready to rock. And as sure as sunshine, the first trespasser is sure to have four legs, fur, and a tail. If you can only douse the four-legged critters, that's fine. But if you get a chance to go for the two-legged ones, then do. After all, dogs and cats are only doing what comes naturally to them. The owners, on the other hand, are just plain rude.
Equal opportunity douser. Among your yard’s trespassers, there are sure to be people in your neighborhood whom you actually like. But even friends and neighbors can sometimes take advantage of your goodwill. If you happen to catch people like this hanging on your lawn without your approval, there’s only one solution: Irrigate their rudeness away. They’ll learn to enjoy themselves back on their own property, or that public parks are lovely spots for outdoor, grass-related activities.
Guessing game. So you’ve excelled at giving unannounced showers to all comers. Now make sure they don’t get hip to your watering schedule. Make out a schedule only you know and run your system at irregular intervals to keep the passer-bys on their toes and always thinking twice about loafing on your property.
Front row seat. Maybe your victims think they simply have bad luck: They’re getting sprayed simply for being in the wrong place at the wrong time when your sprinklers come on. That’s not the lesson you want them learning, as history has a tendency to repeat itself. For maximum emphasis, to show how truly committed you are to drowning out this problem for good, plant yourself on your front porch in a lawn chair with your remote in hand. When “Mr. Unlucky” allows his dog to go sniffing your lawn, hit the switch and watch them both do a rain dance. The look on Mr. Unlucky’s face when he realizes you’re doing this on purpose will be worth the cost of your sprinkler system alone.
Solicit this. Hey, solicitors are trespassing on your property, too, aren’t they? Well, give them a taste of sprinkler justice and after a few lawn baths, the Jehovah's Witnesses, real estate agents, and candy-selling teenagers will be spreading the word of your evil ways… and they’ll all think twice about knocking on your door.
Rinse, repeat..... You’re going to have repeat offenders. Like all lessons in life, some people have to be taught a few times before their education sticks. So be prepared to play Lawn God as much as it takes for anyone brazen enough to keep trying you to get the message.
Tough love. There may even come an occasion where you need to use your remote control sprinkler as a form of tough love (say for the neighborhood drunk). So be it.
You didn’t buy your house to watch your yard get tramped on, run over, and urinated into dead-patch oblivion. If you’re like me, you put a lot of hard work, time, and money into keeping your lawn beautiful, so if it takes getting a reputation as the neighborhood’s biggest jerk-off to keep it looking that way, so be it. Short of building a wall around your property, a remote control sprinkler system is a sure-fire way to keep trespassers off the grass. Besides, how else can you have so much fun and keep your lawn green and gorgeous at the same time?