The beginning of any relationship is a dance. You must toe the line between showing your interest and coming on too strong.
Here are a few tips to help you know if you are coming on too strong:
- Too much contact at the start. Probably the number one killer of a potential relationship is too much contact at the start. Think about it. A woman may be attracted to you but doesn’t know you well yet…if you barrage her with phone calls, voice mails, text messages, e-mails or any other form of communication, the one thing she does know is that you don’t respect her space. That is no-no number one. If you have contacted her more than once, under no circumstances should you initiate contact with her again until you hear back from her first.
- If you’re getting mixed signals. It can be really hard to read the cues, especially if the signals seem to change. Sometimes a woman may seem more responsive at one time than she does at another. Keep in mind that the woman is gauging her own interest at the same time she is assessing yours. She’s also thinking about whether she is being too available (read “easy”), what your intentions are exactly, and so on. If you feel that you’re getting mixed signals, err on the side of slow and steady since a sense of impatience or hurry is a surefire way to scare her off. Assume the best and allow time to show you where you stand.
- How much contact is enough? Say it’s Monday and you asked for a date for Friday, but she can’t go. Take her word for it, and wait a decent interval until you ask again. Don’t text message, e-mail or phone her again until AFTER Friday. Once things heat up, you can pay less attention to the intervals between contacts, but at the start, cue the frequency of your contact to the warmth of her response.
- How can I tell if she is interested? You’re going to have to try to read the signs on this one. Here are a few signs that she is:
- She flirts with you.
- She returns your phone calls.
- She drops a hint about something that she would like to do with you.
- She shows interest in you, for example by asking about you and your upcoming plans.
These are all good signs. Match your degree of enthusiasm to hers. (It’s a dance, remember?)
- Play by play. When you’re on a date, don’t assess the date as you go. Don’t ask for instant feedback. Don’t give her a blow by blow account of your feelings or ask her for an account of hers. At the end of the evening, say something like “I really enjoyed your company tonight and I’d like to see you again. ‘Nuf said. In other words, it’s absolutely good to be clear about your feelings—just don’t go over the top.
- Don’t jump the gun. Are you already planning a weekend away or how you can spend the Fourth of July weekend together (and it’s only your second date.......in March?). Oops. Instead, suggest an activity or event around some topic she has expressed an interest in, and see how she responds.
- Don ‘t fast forward. Just as you shouldn’t be planning your Fourth of July holiday in March, you certainly should not be planning your life together in any way, shape or form. Don’t mention taking a vacation together, her meeting your parents/siblings/relatives, buying a house, you get the idea. That’s all going to scare a woman off. Later, when she’s into you, different story.
- Respect a woman’s space. This adage applies in two ways. Always respect her immediate personal space. And never, never, never stop by her workplace or home without an invitation first. Once you’re going steady, maybe then you can, but until then, you have to be very careful about respecting a woman’s space. Anything else and she’ll be on stalker alert.
- Don’t mistake your own lust for chemistry. Is there chemistry? (Can’t tell? Not a good sign!) You’re going to have to read her feedback on this one. If there is chemistry, you should be able to feel it between you. Chemistry is a palpable energy or tension right there in the space between you two, like little energy beams bouncing back and forth between you. (Hint: It’s not the same feeling that you get when you read Playboy.)
- Surefire doom. Never mention anything to a woman about your sexual performance or your physical condition…she’ll be able to decide those things for herself when the time comes. No long stories about the ex, or god forbid, you mother, no matter whether the stories are good or bad.
- So what DO I do? Get to know her. Ask questions and listen to her answers, express interest, look her in the eyes, compliment her, and always respect her personal boundaries. And of course, just relax and be yourself so that she has a chance to get to know you.
If the beginning of a relationship is a dance, be sure to get off on the right foot. Coming on too strong is a surefire way to blow your chances for the next move.