How To Recognize the Signs of Abuse

The 2009 federal budget proposal has been released and the news is not good for those trying to fight the war on abuse. Funds from the Department of Health and Human Services have been frozen. This includes prevention, hotlines and shelters. Public safety programs on the state and local level have been cut by nearly two-thirds. The report was approximately 2,270 words and the very last item mentioned was domestic violence. If the report was written in order of perceived importance, this would imply that abuse was the least important of all.

Contrary to what this cut in funding might suggest about domestic violence, cases of abuse are not declining. The first step in solving any problem is to recognize and admit there is a problem. Are there signs that might indicate one is being abused? I am not a professional counselor, but I am a survivor of abuse and a long-time domestic violence volunteer. The following behaviors could indicate that abuse is a problem:

1. Your partner wants to control everything you do. They pick your clothes, friends, and tell you how to behave. They do not recognize you as a partner in the relationship and your opinions are devalued. A victim is treated more like a servant than a partner.
2. Abusive partners sometimes try to isolate their victims. They limit your contact with the outside world, especially those friends and family members that you are closest to.
3. Communication with an abuser is difficult. They tend to monopolize the conversation. If they don't get their way, they resort to temper tantrums and violent outrages.
4. Abusive partners often belittle their victims. There is usually a list of things they do not like about their partner and they spend much time trying to correct these flaws.
5. As they belittle their victims, their partner begins to lose confidence. If someone with a healthy self worth starts to act insecure, there is usually a reason. The abuser has started to make them feel worthless.
6. Abusers always have to be in control, and always want to know where their partners are. Often this involves following the person, taping conversations, reading their mail, etc. A victim often declines social invitations because it is easier.
7. Social events with an abuser can be very embarrassing for their partners. The abuser seems to enjoy humiliating them in public, often making it appear to be a joke. They get satisfaction from verbally slamming their partners in public. Imagine what it is like when they are alone.
8. No matter what, it is always supposedly the victim's fault. The abusers justify their behavior by saying, "They made me do it." Eventually the victims themselves start to believe these lies. They will cover-up for the abuser, continually trying to do everything possible to make the abusers happy.
9. The victim is made to feel unworthy of making any decisions. Often, an abuser withholds money and makes his partner ask for it like a child asking for an allowance. If the abuser is a female, she will want to control everything while making her partner feel he is not a man.
10. The abused person often wears long sleeve shirts and has excuses for the cuts and bruises that are hard to hide. If you do get to go to their home, look for pictures and furniture recently replaced. The abuser tends to smash everything in their paths, often with very little cause.

I have always thought it was a crock when a man hits a woman and then says, "She made me do it." I wonder why he did not break his big screen TV instead of his wife's jaw. It's time for each person to take responsibility for their own behavior.