How To Take the First Steps Towards Creating a Fabulous Marriage

Choose a metaphor that provides an inspiring goal.  What do you want from your marriage? I chose ‘spicy’ because it has heat, passion and color. It captures most of what was missing from our life and requires us to grow in a direction that we’re excited about. It’s also an image that can be personal. It allows us to define for ourselves what is exciting and fabulous. We can blend a unique spice just for us.

Other common metaphors would be the heart, the lotus or any number of religious symbols.

Dream of a better life.  Say you could have everything--the relationship from heaven--what would that look and feel like? What would you notice about you and your partner? Would you be happier, healthier, in the same job? What would be different about the way you treat each other? What would others notice? What would the atmosphere in your home be like? What effect would it have on the kids, your extended family and friends? What would this fabulous relationship support you to do? How would this increase in love manifest in the world? What personal attributes would thrive? How would you feel? What would you enjoy the most? Can you see it, can you feel it?

Issues and challenges.  Break the dream or metaphor into a series of issues and challenges. Once I had identified my deficiencies, if I knew there was an issue that needed to be addressed, I would investigate directly. However, often I didn’t know what the issues were, so I would set myself a challenge, start moving towards the goal and notice what issues came up. I would pick off the issues one by one and then move forward again until I reached my goal. If the challenge was a good one it would resemble an iceberg; a simple, reasonable goal on top with a vast mass of issues hidden just under the surface. An example is the challenge to look good. It seems simple enough, but you may have to address issues of self-esteem, posture and health in order to achieve it.

Learn to argue in a safe and productive manner.  Make an agreement with your partner to stick to these rules:

• Ban criticism and contempt. Complain about the issue at hand. Do not add accusations or demeaning remarks.
• One subject at a time. This argument is about x and x only. All other topics at some other time
• Start as you like to end. Start the argument with tolerance and respect and it is likely you will end the same way.
• Agree on a repair mechanism/circuit breaker. Have a signal that says, ‘Time out, we are now arguing poorly.”
• Never stonewall. Maintain some engagement, do not completely shut down or withdraw.

How much time do you have?  We need a system of renewal. Not to forget or deny but to acknowledge, release and move forward.

The bulk of our effort will probably be concerned with the small slights and hurts of day-to-day living. The risk in a long-term relationship is that we can die a death of a thousand cuts. Over time, many small hurts can accumulate until we’re carrying too much hurtful history and it becomes impossible to be present and deal with life as it is.

We have a little challenge that we issue when one of us is being reluctant. We say (normally yell), ‘How much time do you have?’ This resonates more and more as I get older. Time is precious and I don’t want to waste any being resentful. What is the difference between now and three hours, three days or three years? I know I’ll get to forgiveness eventually, so why not now?