How To Talk to Kids About Adoption

Start early. Most experts will tell you that it is never too soon to begin talking about adoption. Whether or not your six-month-old child understands, you will get practice talking about adoption with her. That practice becomes critical when you child does start to understand that she joined your family through adoption. The practice you had in talking about adoption to your infant will make you feel infinitely more confident when your kindergartener starts asking tough questions. You will have worked on your "script" when the stakes were lower.

One mother said that she started telling her child she was adopted as she rocked her to sleep when she was less than a year old. By the time her daughter started asking questions about adoption, the mother was able to discuss the issues with clarity.

Another benefit of talking with children early about their adoption is that you are giving them language to use when you aren't with them. One day your child will be the butt of a joke about adoption. Help your child to confidently deal with this situation.

Answer only the questions that are asked. How would you answer the question "Do you have a watch?" If your first instinct was to respond, "yes" or "no," then you are probably pretty good at answering the question that was asked without volunteering additional information. But most people would probably answer, "Yes, it's three o'clock."

Very often we volunteer more information than is necessary, especially with our children. Kids process information at their own rate and are very good at asking additional questions and seeking clarification when they are ready to know the answer. While your child needs to understand that she joined your family through adoption and what that means, limit yourself to answering the questions that she asks. She will ask for information when she's ready for it -- and you never know when she will be ready.

A single mom relates a story of a visit to the pediatrician. The pediatrician was talking with her daughter about her "story." Mom beamed as her daughter repeated the oft-told story about her beginnings until -- interrupting the recitation -- she turned to her mother and asked (for the first time) why her birth-parents had made an adoption plan. The mother answered with a simple, "I am not sure," and the child moved on to the next subject.

Tell the truth. Jack Welch, the former CEO of General Electric, always said that we need to deal with reality as it is and not as we want it to be.

It is probably easiest for us to believe -- and to tell our children -- that their birth-parents loved them. But unless you are certain of the reasons for the relinquishment or have a relationship with the birth parents, you will simply be speculating about how your child's birth parents felt. If this is the case, you'll need to choose your words carefully.

You will want to let your child know what you believe is a likely scenario without giving her a guarantee that her birth parents loved her. If you don't know the reasons the birth parents made an adoption plan, then say that you don't know. Follow with an educated guess as to the circumstances of your child's relinquishment. You can tell her that her birth parents may have been young, poor or ill. You can speculate with your child on other possible reasons.