How To Human-Proof a Cat House

Cats and kittens, listen up! You've been brought into a human house but now it's yours. Claim your kitty domain by following this guide on how to human-proof your cat house.

Step 1

Understand your role. As a cat, you are born with the right to dominate over humans. They live in your house, and you always need to remind them of this. Never stop ensuring that you are human-proofing your house, making your presence and your dominance known to every human you live with. It will take time, effort and lots of creative thinking, but you'll have humans baffled, bewildered and blabbering about you to all of their friends. That's the kind of response you want to get from your humans. So step up to the plate, kitties, and start human-proofing your house.

Step 2

Boldly go where no kitty should go. Before you got there, your humans were living peacefully among their possessions. But now that you're the cat of the house, it's your job to human-proof it by staking your claim. Start by hopping up onto the countertops. Humans hate this and will often shriek in horror. Don't give in. Continue to climb to the top of your kingdom until you have your human quivering with fear and offering your treats and loving for your safe retreat from those perilous heights. Give humans a few good scares every once in a while, and let them know who now rules the roost.

Step 3

Play mind games with your humans. If you want to human-proof your cat house, you have to take away the power and control that humans have. You can do this by playing mind games with them. First, start by making an extended cry of longing at an inappropriate time. In the middle of the night is best. Try to be as loud as you can so as to wake your humans from their peaceful slumber. Continue to make these irregular moans at short intervals until your humans rises to come find you. Then act indifferent to their presence. Better yet, pretend like you're sleeping. You'll leave your human baffled at your actions. That's right - who's in charge now? Do this a few times a month to impress your power over your humans as you regularly human-proof your house.

Step 4

Demand that your needs be met. As the cat of the house, you reign supreme. To human-proof your home, you must ensure that humans meet your every need. Never stop persisting until humans give in to your demands. This reiterates your authority in the house. If you're hungry (or even if you're not), chew on every bag in the pantry. Push your food bowl from side to side in the kitchen, trying to make annoying sounds as you go. After several hours of this insistence, your humans will submit to your demands and give you food. This is how you keep them in their place as your servants in your human-proof house.

And if you want to be petted or loved, don't let obstacles stop you. Hop up onto your human's computer desk and walk across her keyboard to get her attention. Nuzzle against her fingers as she struggles to type with you blocking the screen. And then, if you can, plop down right on the keyboard. Your human will have no choice but to stop what she's doing and give you some attention. At this point, start purring really loudly so that she'll stop everything she's been working on, lose her train of thought, and spend the next 5 minutes loving you all over. You need to be bold in your approach and persistent in your ways, but you can human-proof your house by getting up in your human's face whenever necessary in order to show her who's in charge.

Step 5

Leave lots of presents. To really human-proof your cat house, you should never let your humans get too comfortable. Always leave them wondering what to expect next with you. You can accomplish this by leaving presents around the house that will terrify or disgust your humans. Hairballs on tabletops are always a favorite. But anything left on bedding is a noble presentation too. If you're a good hunter, you can also consider leaving dead gifts in your human's immediate vicinity, such as on their pillows or at their feet. Inevitably, they'll immediately notice your generous offering, and in their horrified screams, you will see that you can easily continue to human-proof your cat house with surprises like these.


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