How To Name a Boat

First off, I should admit that I know everything there is to know about how not to name a boat. This would mean buy a boat, remove the name, and then fail to come up with a new name for, well, let's just call it "several" years. But enough about how not to--let's focus on how TO name a boat! Here are a few pointers to keep in mind as you peruse the possibilities:

1. Practicality. Long ago, boat names were simply a good way to tell ships apart. These days names still come in handy when, say, you're taking on water and need to contact the Coast Guard pronto. When choosing a name, always keep in mind the remote possibility of an emergency radio transmission. Should you ever need immediate assistance, you want someone to understand the boat name in one hearing. Go ahead and test your boat name out. "Mayday, mayday, mayday. This is 'Of Or Pertaining To The Sea' taking on water somewhere in the Straits of Juan de Fuca. Over." How does it sound? Can you say it fast? Does it roll off the tongue easily?

2. Size matters. If you're Home Shopping Network Founder Roy Speer, you can name your 206-foot yacht "Big Roi," but your 19-foot day sailer might do better with a name like "Scooby." Let's face it: A Hobie Cat should have a different name than a Beneteau. We'll talk again once you cash out your stock options.
3. Wear it like you mean it. That's a piece of fashion advice that applies to boats just as well. If the boat can carry the name, then go ahead and name her what you want. But if her name is going to be "Hussy," she'd better be sleek and have some bells and whistles.
4. Will the name stand the test of time? This is a name you'll likely be living with for years. Just because you're a bachelor now, a name like "Miss Goody Two Screws" or "Fish-n-Chicks" may not sit well with your future partner. Depends on just what kind of fish you hope to land, I suppose. A good rule of thumb: If you come up with the name over happy hour, wait until sober to make the decision final.
5. Do you plan to name your dinghy? Many people name their dinghies as well as their boats. If this is the case, you'll want the tone of the names to coordinate. Think along the lines of a boat name like "Three Sheets" and a dinghy name, "To the Wind" rather than, say, "Formidable" and "Cream Puff."
6. Punning is a very popular trend when it comes to naming boats, from puns about work ("A Sails Call") to fish ("Bite Me") to money ("Liquid Asset") to sex ("Wet Dream"). Bonus points for combining two or more of the above categories ("Master Baiter"). I have nothing against puns, but please don't go overboard; keep in mind the image you want to project both now and in your (distinguished) future.

While it is true that you can always rename the boat, remember that renaming is considered bad luck. Is this fact something you want crossing your mind in the middle of the night when that sou'wester whips up? While there are some rituals you can perform that counteract the bad luck, save yourself the trouble. Get it right the first time. And while we're on the topic of superstition, don't forget to christen your boat when you name it the first time 'round. It probably is just superstition, but remember......the Titanic was never christened.

One final caveat. Women, remember just how much men are into their boats! Men are really into their boats! (My pet theory on why boats are always female, by the way? So that men can admit to their love affair with boats without feeling that it diminishes their masculinity!) Anyway, true story--I know a man who named his boat and then several years later went on to name his daughter after the boat. Wives, keep this in mind!

Whatever happened with the boat I mentioned earlier? Well, let's just say the ex has it now. I hear that he plans to name her any day...