How To Be an Astros Fan in 2008

With baseball season almost upon us, die-hard fans need preparations to root for the long stretch ahead. As a die-hard Houston Astros fan, I wanted to put together a help list to make your planning easier for the upcoming season.

1. Sell your tickets to the World Series. If you own tickets or the rights to tickets to the World Series, go ahead and sell them now. It's not worth it to get your hopes up. On March 18, 2008, the odds that the Astros will go to the World Series are 55:1. Odds that they will win the National League Pennant are 24:1, so you might as well sell those tickets too. In fact, the odds that they will win the National League Central are 20:1, just above the Pirates at 60:1, so you should pretty much sell any and all playoff tickets. At least this way, you won't get disappointed and if they even get into the playoffs, it will be a pleasant surprise.
2. Join a religion. At the moment, it looks like the Astros have a bona fide ace in Roy Oswalt and a number two pitcher in Brandon Backe. That's it. That's the starting rotation. They will fill up three through five, but let's be honest...unless we get a miracle rookie phenom or someone invents a time machine that removes ten years off of Woody Williams, we are probably going to see twenty different pitchers in our starting rotation.

   Therefore, we recommend that if you do not currently belong to a religion, you should look into joining one in the next month or so. Go to weekly services. Spend every moment of silence at the service praying for the Astros starting pitching. Donate money to the church in the name of Wandy Rodriguez when he has to pitch at an away game.

   Do anything and everything you can to let God, Yahweh, Allah, Deus, Ishvara, Shiva, Vishnu, Shakti, Zeus, Odin or Abba know that you are an Astros fan and you would appreciate it if he could maybe add a little chutzpah to the pitchers in the next week. If you are an atheist, go and plant a tree that looks like Nolan Ryan.

3. Boost your fantasy team. Studies have shown that positive thinking can do wonders. That being said, if we had 2 million Houston Astros fans join fantasy baseball leagues and stuff their roster with Astros players, then maybe that positive thinking would up their karma and send a good vibe out across the nation. It just might be the extra juice they need.
4. Practice defensive phrases in front of a mirror. If you are like me, your friends, family and co-workers know that you are a die-hard Astros fan. It is human nature that they are going to rip you over your choice of teams. So I recommend that you get in front of a mirror and practice saying the following phrases in different tones of voice (solemn, sarcastic, bored, humorous, murderous, etc.)
   • "We are in a rebuilding year."
   • "The National League Central is one of the top divisions in baseball this year, so the competition is really tough."
   • "The steroids scandal has really made it hard for the organization to have a winning season this year."
   • "With this many new players, it's hard to get a good chemistry going."
   • "It's early in the season. They can still turn it around," or alternatively, "It's late in the season. I'm already looking forward to seeing what they can do next year."
   • If they counter with statistics about how much money the Astros spent in the off-season, then you also need to know how to say, "You have to spend money to make money."

   If all else fails, you can start crying. That will almost always guarantee that they will never bother you again.

5. See a doctor. If you don't already have a family doctor, get one and schedule an immediate appointment. Explain to your doc your addiction to Astros baseball and your fears about the 2008 season. Let him know you are worried about your state of mind (read "sanity") and ask if there is anything he would recommend. He will make a note in your chart and if worst comes to worst, and you show up at an emergency room with heart attack symptoms, the hospital staff will be better able to treat you.
6. Get your affairs in order. That being said, in case you die of sorrow, anguish or a self-inflicted bat wound while you watch the bullpen blow yet another save, make sure that you have your Last Will and Testament in order and that your family knows your final wishes. It might be a good idea to go ahead and purchase the Astros-themed coffin now, just to be prepared. (Available sometime in 2008 from Eternal Image.)

I hope that this instruction list has been easy to follow and helps you prepare for 2008 as an Astros fan. Who knows, maybe they will actually be above .500 this year?